Have you ever second-guessed yourself while looking into a mirror? Has it happened when you thought you were certain about the look you put together?
Of distorted perceptions
One of the most talked about movies in the past few months, The Substance, left a significant mark on me and many others. While the spine-splitting body horror had many hard-to-watch parts, one scene in particular was a lot more disturbing compared to the rest because of just how deeply it resonated. If you’ve seen the movie, you probably already know what I am referring to, and if you haven’t, I highly recommend watching it for the deeper message being conveyed.
In the scene, an anxious yet excited Elisabeth (Demi Moore) is getting ready to go out on a date. For her outfit, she picked a hot little red dress, long evening gloves, and a pair of black pumps. But, just as she’s ready to head out the door, the sight of an unconscious Sue (Margaret Qualley) stops her in her tracks. Sue’s youthful appearance makes her second-guess her own, prompting her to touch up her face and cover her décolletage with a scarf to hide flaws that she actively seeks out in the mirror. Ultimately, after yet another deliberately damaging stare at her reflection, Elisabeth heads back to the mirror, begins to wipe the makeup off her face in the most painful manner, and deems herself unworthy to go out on the date after all.
The scene was a heart-wrenching and powerful portrayal of just how hard we can be on ourselves when our insecurities begin to creep up. I, too, experienced this a while back when I was getting ready to meet my partner’s family. Like any fashion enthusiast who loves dressing up, I already had a mental snapshot of a tried and tested look I would wear. A flouncy ruffle-sleeved polka dotted top over black denims and white kitten heels that delivered the right amount of demure and drama. But as I began getting ready in front of the mirror, I found myself wondering whether the ruffles were looking a little too exaggerated, questioning if it looked too clown-like when combined with my big curly hair. I sought a few other options until I began breaking a sweat from changing clothes so many times and finally circled back to my first choice, convincing myself that it was all in my head. Not due to any self-assured epiphany, but mostly because I was already running late.
It made me question why we do this to ourselves. And more importantly, how do we snap out of it when it happens?
Through the looking-glass
The next time these uninvited intrusive thoughts occur, try to use these mindfulness tips to decentre yourself and snap out of it:
- Catch yourself before you begin spiraling and try to bring yourself back to the present moment.
- Focus on observing your thoughts as temporary events in the mind as opposed to reflections of yourself that are necessarily true (Safran & Segal, 1990).
- Approach these thoughts without judgment and instead strive to extend some kindness towards yourself.
Studies on mindfulness have shown that present moment awareness without any judgment on negative thoughts can help people see their behaviours from different perspectives and challenge the idea that one is inherently “bad” (Carson & Langer, 2006).
Forgiveness can also be quite a powerful tool to reach for when trying to overcome negative thoughts. Research has shown that in the process of genuine self-forgiveness, the associated emotions that emerge in facing up to the offence — in this case, intrusive thoughts — can lead to seeking attitudes that’ll undo the damage. This makes the practice of self-forgiveness in itself a problem-focused coping strategy that attempts to change the situation that created the negative feelings.
Dress to impress — yourself!
As for overcoming that impulsive need to edit or fix your look constantly? There is a solution for that.
Our clothes hold the power of self-expression, shaping how we present ourselves to the world daily. To better understand this, Guy and Banim (2000) conducted a study where professional women representing several age cohorts were asked to maintain a daily log of “what clothing means to them” based on their current wardrobe. After two weeks of the experiment, researchers identified three distinct perspectives of self relative to the women’s clothing:
- “The woman I want to be”: where clothing presented a positive version of themselves and favourite pieces helped them bridge the gap between how they saw themselves and how they wanted to be seen.
- “The woman I fear I could be”: included clothing that reflected experiences where it failed to achieve a desired look or resulted in a negative self-presentation.
- “The woman I am most of the time”: saw clothing as an ongoing and dynamic part of their lives, where using clothes to realize different aspects of their identity became a major source of enjoyment.
This study is a great way to help you single out those standout pieces in your wardrobe that’ll let you dress up as your most authentic self by finding the perfect balance between the woman you want to be and the woman you are most of the time.
Another tip? The next time you’re getting ready for an important occasion, treat it like an iconic “dressing-up sequence” in a movie. Play a track that gets you in the mood, lay out your clothes on the bed, dance like nobody’s watching while you get dressed, and don’t forget to give yourself the love that you deserve.
